LAURENS, IA—Acknowledging the lack of any remotely interesting or entertaining attractions in the surrounding area, the wedding website for couple Adam Jessup and Rachel McHenry explicitly states that there is absolutely jack shit for guests to do while they’re in town, sources confirmed Monday. “There’s a Pizza Hut, a gas station, and that’s about it,” reads the website in part, candidly advising wedding guests in search of any food, drinks, or fun activities that they were shit out of luck because Laurens, IA is in the middle of fucking nowhere. “We recommend that guests stay at the nearby Fairfield Inn and Suites, but the place pretty much blows. It doesn’t have a pool or premium cable channels, so your best bet is to just hole up in your room watching whatever is on TNT until the ceremony.” The wedding website also frankly suggested that guests arrive early to the reception for complimentary cheap wine, shitty beer, and fucking awful appetizers.
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